You might live in West Africa If...

You know you live in West Africa when you find a gross looking pussy bite on your side and your first thought is “I hope there is not a worm in that.” You know you’re in West Africa when complete strangers invite you to eat lunch with them on the street. When 80 year old men propose to you but are deterred when you tell them you don’t work in fields. When people call you a bean eater and then laugh good naturedly. When children run up to you like you are Mickey Mouse and shout Tobabou or Forteh (Foreigner!). You know you are in West Africa when people hiss at you to get you attention. When men say “You drive? No, where is your chauffer?” If it acceptable to propose after asking the woman’s name. When people ask you how Obama is doing and you say “I don’t know I’ll ask him some time,” and they believe you. When being told your fat is a compliment. When you buy fabric one day and have a tailor made outfit the next day. When people call and take orders for cheddar cheese because it is so cheap in neighboring countries, meaning it is not $20. When bacon bits is a stellar Christmas gift. You know you live in West Africa when you see a moto (Motorcycle) pass with two people and two goats and you think “what a waist, they could have tied at least three chickens on the back.” You know you live in West Africa when your taxi driver stops at the Mosque so all his passengers can go pray. If you are able to get out of a ticket by telling the police officer “I am sorry but I have no husband to teach me how to drive.” When your taxi breaks down twice and has two flat tires and then the driver decides to take a nap and not one of the 9 passengers (in a 7 seat vehicle) say one word of complaint to the driver. You know you live in West Africa when you realize six flags is just a cheap imitation of African back roading. When you hit a pot hole so hard everyone in the car hits the ceiling, when you apologize all the Africans blame the road, while all the Americans blame you.  When a child pinches you to see if she can get through to the black. When you stop breaking for chickens, honk at goats, swerve for sheep, approach cows with caution (noting their number, position and direction), but always stop for donkeys. When seeing a goat at the beach ceases to be weird. If it is raining you know it is naked day/ bath time for all the kids in the neighborhood. When you don’t think twice about scolding someone else’s kid. If you witness an accident and the first thing you hear is “Oh Allah!” When people give you a live chicken as a welcoming gift, and you genuinely get pretty excited about it. When someone hands you a spoon to eat rice and you feel a little offended. You realize your host really likes you because he included the chicken head in your dish. When you drink out of a plastic bag without spilling juice on yourself. When you ask, “is the monkey a pet or dinner?”